Dead Warrior Walking
by sharnii
Summary: Xena's ghost returns to join a depressed Gabrielle in this cheesy musical! Time for our heroic duo to deal with a death that you don't come back from by...singing about it. Song filks include: "I Touch Myself", and "It's All Coming Back to Me".
1. Scene 1: Another Sunny Day in the Desert

**Dead Warrior Walking**

_**The Cheesy Musical  
Episode One, Satire Season Seven**_

By blackore 

**Dire Warnings:**  
1) Spoilers alert for anything and everything in the Xena: Warrior Princess series to date.  
2) This satirical script involves maintext-subtext, filked songs and bad jokes.  
3) It takes place a month after **A Friend In Need II**. 

  
**Scene 1:** Another Sunny Day in the Desert  
EXT. DESERT. DAY. 

_It is a sunny day in the Egyptian desert. Naturally. Gabrielle, skimpily dressed in her bikini/mini skirt 'fighting costume' of choice is skipping across sand dunes while twirling her sais. Suddenly, the ghost of Xena appears before her and gazes at her reproachfully. Close-up on the incredible blueness of those reproachfully gazing blue eyes._

XENA (reproachfully) 

Gabrielle! 

GABRIELLE 

Hi Xena! Whatcha doin' here? 

XENA 

I'm dead, Gabrielle, consigned to eternity as a ghost, which you seem to have forgotten. Where else do you expect me to go? 

GABRIELLE 

Ah yes. It's all coming back to me now... 

_She runs to the top of the nearest sand dune, whirls around while a passing helicopter does an overhead shot, much like the effect at the beginning of **The Sound of Music** and bursts into song to the tune of Celine Dion's power ballad, **It's All Coming Back To Me**._

GABRIELLE SINGING 

All those nights when I have slept alone  
And my body froze because  
My warrior pillow was away  
in death's dimension 

XENA (aghast) 

A Celine Dion power ballad? Is that really necessary? 

GABRIELLE SINGING 

All those days when the sun burned me red  
'cause I just can't reach to put  
tan-lotion on my back 'cause  
Xena is in 'heaven' 

XENA 

You know I hate power ballads when I don't get to sing them. Can't we just talk your issues out? 

GABRIELLE SINGING 

I finished crying when the sun went down that day  
'cause the credits rolled and our series was cut  
and I can't believe you up and died without a **better plan!**

XENA (uncomfortably) 

Well, the one hundred and sixty billion lost souls and all that, Gabrielle. C'mon, cut me some slack. 

_Xena gives the bard/warrior/blond/redhead an intense/pleading/puppy-dog stare which the camera does a close up of. Gabrielle opens her mouth to sing the chorus and… _

  
* * * 

  
...Cut to opening theme song as we hear Xena's relived, "thank the gods!" in the background. The footage and voiceover have changed slightly. 

"In a time of ancient gods"   
A picture of a god-shaped silhouette with a question mark superimposed over it fills the tv screen. 

"ex-warlords"   
Evil Xena leers evilly while licking the blood off her handy breast dagger. 

"and emperors"   
Caesar is brutally stabbed by Brutas and Co. 

"a whole lot of lands in turmoil cried out for a hero"   
Quick shifting footage of Xena and Gabrielle in various national costumes: Greek, Indian, British, Danish, Chinese, Japanese etc. 

"she was Xena"   
Evil Xena leers evilly as she makes a come hither gesture while staring directly into the camera. 

"a formidable seductress"   
Xena slithers forward dressed only in gold chains as per fashionable Egyptian slave-wear. 

"forged in the heat of battle"   
Evil Xena runs her hand suggestively up and down her sword blade. 

"the power"   
Xena flexes her bicep and Gabrille runs her hand over it admiringly. 

"the passion"   
Quick shifting footage of Xena and Gabrielle in their many 'we are kissing but you can explain it away if you try really hard' scenes. 

"the danger"   
Crazy Xena spins her chakram on her finger as though it's a basketball. 

"her carnage will maim the world"   
Xena slices off the body parts of various 'bad guys'. Ends with Xena twirling her sword impressively only to be shoved out of the way by Gabrielle, twirling her sais impressively. An irate Xena bearhugs Gabrielle from behind and the footage freezeframes while the title, **Xena: Formidable Seductress** superimposes over the top. 

  
* * * 

  
XENA (looks appropriately shocked) 

Small changes they said. Spice up the series they said. I'm not a hero, they're making me out to be a har… 

GABRIELLE (interrupts) 

I can't believe it's still all about you. I'm your light, your source, your friggin' salvation and all I get is to be in on some gratuitous subtext scenes and to run my hand over your bicep. It's like I'm only your sidekick! 

XENA 

You are only…er, you are my only sidekick. Honest to ex-gods. 

_Gabrielle comes down from her sand dune to stand nose to breastplate with Xena. Glaring up at the warrior she pokes her in said breastplate._

GABRIELLE 

Don't humour me, Xena. Either I'm the air your breath or I'm just easy on the eyes. Pick carefully, oh formidable seductress! 

XENA 

So I'm guessing you still have sidekick issues. Can't we deal with the whole 'I'm dead and still haven't come back' thing first? I need to sing a reciprocal song. 

GABRIELLe (starting to rant) 

And that's another thing! How come you get to sing and I get to be dubbed? Huh? 

XENA 

My great voice is one of my many skills whereas yours… 

GABRIELLe (warningly) 

Don't say it. 

XENA 

Fine. I'll sing it. 

_She whistles for Argo who magically runs out from behind the sand dune. Xena mounts, offers Gabrielle a hand up, ignores the bard's proffered finger and hauls her up. As they ride along with the wind machines streaming Xena's long and lustrous hair out behind her she begins to sing to the tune of Divinyls', **I Touch Myself**._

XENA SINGING 

I have a show  
I want you to see it  
I need a sidekick  
I want you to be it 

I fight for good  
I want you beside me  
And in all the ads  
I want you to ride me 

GABRIELLE 

This isn't helping, Xena. This is making it worse. 

XENA 

Hang on, you haven't heard the chorus. 

XENA SINGING 

I don't want any of this fame  
All I want is Gabby to scream my name  
I don't want… 

GABRIELLE 

Enough! I can't listen to this. All I ask is for a little credit, a little romance and a live soulmate instead of a dead one and what do I get? 

_She jumps off Argo's back and is miraculously uninjured. Xena reigns in Argo on a pin, which is one of her many skills._

XENA 

Aha! I knew we hadn't dealt with the little issue of me being dead yet! 

_Gabrielle bursts into tears and runs into a conveniently located city._

XENA 

Where'd that damned set come from? Gab-bri-elllle! 

  


_On to Scene 2: Sand in the City_


	2. Scene 2: Sand in the City

**Dead Warrior Walking**

By blackore 

**Dire Warnings:**  
See Scene 1. 

  
**Scene 2:** Sand in the City  
EXT. CITY. DAY. 

_Gabrielle runs tearfully through the main street of a city conveniently located in the middle of the Egyptian desert. The city is similar in appearance to a Grecian village but is especially similar to India. Virtually identical in fact. Coloured bits of gauze hanging from wire, wave in the breeze and traders hawk their wares. An old lady swathed in purple silk (so much so that only her eyes show from a crack in her headdress) tries to wave the bard down._

LADY IN PURPLE 

Yoohoo! You with the skin on display. Hey, blondie! Cute stuff! Hey, you! Yeah, you, shortie! 

_Gabrielle pulls to a stop and turns around slowly, her green eyes glinting dangerously._

GABRIELLE 

You talking to me? 

LADY IN PURPLE (ever so innocently) 

Want me to tell your fortune? 

GABRIELLE 

You've got to be kidding me! Who the hades are you? What do you want with me? 

_The old lady in purple winks. At least we think she winks, with all that purple drapery we can't be sure. Xena picks that exact minute to ride up on Argo, yodelling her warcry. She does a triple backflip dismount and swaggers over to the scene, exuding danger and oh yeah, sexual energy. After glowering at the lady in purple, she turns to smile disarmingly at Gabrielle._

XENA 

Who's this old biddy? She giving you trouble? 

GABRIELLE 

Well there's not alot 'Xena: Warrior Ghost' could do about it if she was, now is there? 

LADY IN PURPLE (to Gabrielle) 

What do I want? I want to sing you a song. About you and 'Tall, Dark and Dead', your literal dream lover. 

GABRIELLE 

You can see her? 

LADY IN PURPLE 

I can smell her. 

XENA (outraged) 

What? 

LADY IN PURPLE (beckons Gabrielle in close) 

It's a power of mine. It's always been this way, ever since I was a little girl. You see,  
I  
smell  
dead  
people. 

GABRIELLE 

Interesting possibilities. You say you can smell Xena? 

LADY IN PURPLE 

The stench of warrior sweat in the morning is coming on strong. Now listen up you two! 

_The old lady in purple shoves Gabrielle and Xena down onto a conveniently placed bench and twirls dramatically as she prepares to rap her big number. It's to the tune of **Lose Yourself**, as sung by Eminem. Gabrielle sits with a pained, yet polite expression on her face. Xena is busy casually sniffing her own armpits._

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS HUSKILY 

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity  
To seize everything you ever wanted...one moment  
Would you kiss the girl or just save the world? 

XENA 

Come on now! That's hardly fair. 

GABRIELLE 

Hang on, I think I wanna hear this. 

LADY IN PURPLE 

Good, 'cause this one's for you, shortie.

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS 

Her eyes are stinging, can't cry, ears are ringing  
There's blood stains on her sais and leather, soul-bond severed  
She's grieving, but on the surface she holds it together  
She can't stop, or Xena dies forever

_Xena blanches and glances sideways at Gabrielle who has gone very white._

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS

So now she climbs, she must get there on time  
She's scared of heights, but this is Xena's life  
Pushes through, the waterfall's come into sight  
Here comes the night, better get it right!

Oops, one technicality, here comes old Yod-o-shi  
"Give me Xena's head", he spoke  
He's so bad, and he won't let her live and breathe  
Will he? No!

XENA

Bastard! I got his stupid carcassy essence all over my good leathers. Why couldn't he just fall down and die like a normal person? 

GABRIELLE 

Tad selfish of you, don'tcha think, Xena? Afterall, we are in the middle of listening to a charming rendition of **my** pain, **my** sacrifice. 

XENA (contrite) 

Yes dear. 

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS 

He fires up, he turns Gabrielle's back to toast  
Her tattoo sends a note  
He's down, she goes for broke  
For the ashes she goes

XENA

By the way, Gabrielle, I really, really like your tat. Can I touch it? 

GABRIELLE

Shhh. Please, Xena, just concentrate. I want you to pick up on the point of this little ditty. 

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS 

When she's back at the fountain of strength, that's when it's  
Back to a glimmer of hope  
Life be re-lit  
But Xena comes and tells her that it's over, for all her sins

_The lady in purple gets up close in Xena's face for the chorus and starts making emphatic jabbing gestures with her hands (to be in keeping with the style popular in rap songs)._

LADY IN PURPLE RAPS FORCEFULLY 

You better choose yourself, Xena, is it death or life  
Do you survive, or do you let her go?  
Can't have it both ways, can't hang around as a ghost  
Is it love or is it greater good that gets your vote?

XENA 

Uhhh... 

LADY IN PURPLE 

Well that's less than impressive. Especially after I rapped and everything! 

GABRIELLE 

And again, I ask, even demand to know, who are you? 

Xena (weakly, looking for a distraction) 

Yeah! 

  
_Who is the mysterious lady in purple?  
Will Xena cast her vote for love or the greather good?  
Will Gabrielle let Xena touch her tat?  
Discover this and more very soon, when Scene 3 is revealed! _


End file.
